dizzy love letter

Last night I dreamt that I had to trick you into caring about me.

We spent the day at coney island and while ascending the wonder wheel I wanted a hug, so I averted my gaze from your drifted eyes and from my own desire and peered through the grated wall out into the oceans horizon

When we arrived at the peak, while tempted to, I did not steal a glance at you and did not let myself dwell on whether you had stolen one at me

Instead, I shifted my awareness slowly down to your hands gripping at the edge of the teal-paint-chipped metallic seat and wondered why you felt the need to hold on so tight, and wondered why I wouldn’t understand even if you’d explained it to me

I wanted to tell you that though we were floating high amidst a haze of clouds, there was no danger of plummeting into disaster as we were safe inside a steel gated enclosure, a shell of security, and though a plummet was possible, it was highly unlikely…

But i save my breath knowing that while you’d like to believe these words, you just can't. 

Instead I told you that I hated you, because I wanted to be told that you loved me, and eventually I just pretended that I didn’t know who you were and had never seen your face.

When we arrived at the bottom we didn’t get off because the ride did not stop moving,

We spun around the wheel over and over again and I watched intently as your eyes further abandoned you and you seemed to forget where you were. I peered again at your hands and this time noticed the baby blue debris under your fingernails, your scratching reluctance to letting go. But inevitably, through increasingly tired circles amidst the atmosphere, your knuckles unclenched.

I could not decide if I’d have preferred to hold onto your gaze or your sore hands, but its not like the choice was mine anyway.

On the final descent, I became dizzy from wrapping around the earth and from wondering if you were on this earth too. I grew conscious of my own gripping and reddened fingers and of the feeling that my deliberately vacated eyes weren’t so different than yours. 

I couldn’t sense you inches away anymore, so I abandoned my efforts,

But falling deep into the softly fogged orange sky where the ocean met the clouds, somewhere far in the distance,  I felt you there.